My Serial Killer, Monster and General Maniac Survival Guide

For those of you who don't know, I LOVE horror movies. I have kind of been obsessed with them since I was a kid and used to scare myself by walking around the horror aisle at Blockbuster. When I was in elementary school, I had this secret fear that the creatures on the video covers could come out and get you if you turned your back on them. So I would creep down the aisle trying not to turn my back on the videos. I was a weird kid, okay? I was an only child and you have to make up a lot of things to do. I also watched a lot of movies... I always have.

Anyway, I watch all kinds of horror movies. I especially love the really cheesy, gory ones. This weekend, while Taylor was working, I watched a lot of horror movies including Hostel and Hostel, part 2. I am kind of strangely fascinated with the Hostel movies. I don't really find them scary, just more amusing and creepy. For those who don't know the plot points, Hostel is about tourists who go to a certain hostel in Slovakia and then are kidnapped and sold at auction so that rich people can murder them. Both the Hostel movies focus on Americans, who go for the highest price. They are amusing movies to me because the kids are so dumb and stay in this creepy town where the children rob you and everyone is just a little too friendly. Oh, and all your friends keep disappearing without a trace. I would be out, see ya, adios... but that's just me. The creepy part comes from knowing that something like that could go on. I could easily see the bored, rich people with nothing better to do seeking out this kind of entertainment. Not that rich people cannot be perfectly nice and not murderers.

Anyway, I am getting off subject... In watching the Hostel movies, it caused me to add to my list of ways to avoid getting killed by murderers, serial killers, vampires, werewolves, zombies and general psychos. This is just the little list that I keep in my head so that I am never one of those girls who is breaking her ankle while running away from the monster. So, here you go, I am sure that you will all want to keep this list somewhere handy.

1. Never go vacationing anywhere that has no phones available. I wouldn't camp or hike anywhere where I cannot get cell service. There might be inbreds about. (Lesson from Wrong Turn and Deliverance)

2. If being attacked by zombies, always destroy the head. You can shoot them for five minutes straight through the heart and it won't do a lick of good. If all else fails, decapitate! (Lesson from Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Resident Evil, and basically any zombie movie ever!)

3. If the town, hotel, gas station, etc...looks like it is out of a Hitchcock film, don't stop there and certainly don't be rude to the people there. (Lesson from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of 1000 Corpses, and Psycho)

4. When in Europe, do not stay in hostels in Eastern Europe. And if you do and your friends start to disappear, LEAVE ASAP! (Lesson from Hostel, Hostel, part 2)

5. Don't babysit. Well, at least not if you are a cute teenage girl and there is a serial killer on the loose. (Halloween and When a Stranger Calls)

6. If you meet people who have pointy teeth, suck blood, have no reflection and avoid sunlight...they are vampires. Get the holy water, crosses, garlic and wooden stakes. (Dracula, From Dusk til Dawn, Blade, 30 Days of Night, Underworld, any vampire movie...Hello!)

7. Never play a game that requires you to repeat a name into a mirror in the dark so someone can come kill you. So, no Candyman or Bloody Mary. Your friends might think you are a wimp, but at least you won't get slaughtered. (Candyman and Dead Mary)

8. Don't be mean to people who might be potentially serial killers or have telekinesis. In fact, be extra nice to them and if it seems like they are going postal, be somewhere else. (Carrie, Valentine, Willard, Firestarter, Tamara)

9. If your house seems haunted and people start dying... please move. Especially if people get sucked into TVs or become ghosts. That's just common sense. Oh, and don't go to haunted houses to see if they are haunted... they are. (Poltergeist, House on Haunted Hill, Rose Red, The Grudge, Amityville Horror, 1408, The Haunting...)

10. If you are a woman, don't wait for a man to save you when faced with a killer or monster. Grab that machete or gun or butcher knife and take care of it yourself. Besides, your boyfriend/husband/guy friend is probably dead anyway. Duh! And don't wear high heels and then look back as you run away, you're gonna fall, loser! (Be like the main girls in Planet Terror, Death Proof, Resident Evil, Scream and Hostel, part 2)

Hope you have enjoyed my survival guide. There are more things on my list, but these hit the main points. Basically, it's all about using common sense and if something feels stupid, maybe that's not the best choice. Good luck and don't come looking for me when the zombies take over, I will be busy!



By the way, this is Alice. She was in Resident Evil and she is my model of the way to be in a crisis. Plus, she looks cute while she is kicking butt!